ALONE

Today i decided not to go back home for lunch, i found that resting inside my office is better than driving back home.

Tommorow i'm going to Cameron Highland with my Single friends here in KL. MY sister use to call us the Spinster Group as aka meaning unmarried woman or one who is no longer young( hmmmm blink blink) and seems unlikely to marry. Welllll...we keep on telling ourselves " we are single by choice or by no choice". Just imagine i got a friend in form 4 and 5 and now i think her children is out of University already with a degree and where am i..... I am still here, but as the Malays use to say " Ada ku kisah".

If i ask you does being married completes you.. i ask that question alot and yes i sometimes get some positive answer but most of the answer i got was.. its for the children. Sex or being together is not the prime thing in our marriage as our focus is raising up the children.

I once had an uncle who is full of life single and when he got married he seems not married coz i never saw him with his wife talking and the time i saw them together it end up in an argument. Sometimes i saw married people don't even talk to each other for days and months , well they maybe sleeping in the same bed but the soul is outside thinking about other things. He was a hardworking guy, his work attic was unbelievable. Working in the logging camp, he said he have to work round the clock, day driving the fork bulldozer ( kapiting) and being a jaga at night, finally he got sick of Malaria and died. Who care for him finally.... none , noone. His wife went back to Philipines to so.....????? card for his children, but she did came to see him but it was too late. So my uncle died .. broke but most of all alone. So tell me what are certainty that if you are married , you wouldn't be alone kan. Think about it.

I & me

It has almost been 7 months since this incident erupts between us and at this juncture it seems that, there is no reconcilation and that saddens me much.

But out of this twisted life , i discover something out of all of this. I realise that life is uncertain. I use to think that friends matters ( then i realise... nope there is always the back stabber ). Then there's the family....nop nop there is no certainty there too.. coz even when you feel that you are part of it.. but then looking at the big picture, you are still the person at the end of the big circle.

So........ now i know, what ever it is "I DEPEND ON MYSELF". No freinds nor blood would pick me up but myself. For somehow or rather i felt alone .....yes alone.

Being different

Coming from a small and neat family and having to grow up without a father at a very early age, frequently makes me feel inadequate for what ever reason. like for instance do “I look the look” or “do I act the act”.

I remember as a kid a cousin of mine told me how my body looks weird, as I was quiet a chubby kid growing up. It was not really a horror but I guess it was planted in my brain the being thin is beautiful, but as a kid I always know that I am different from people around me. I was never the bright one, was the popular one, never the good looking one, never the athletic one, never the most desired one, never the favorite one, never the elected one , never ,never, never ………..

The word “never” just rhymes with my name and myself that sometimes I gave up even before I tried because I always knew I would never get it or I would never accomplish it and the most hurtful thing that I would ever experience is “ I would ever be elected” Can you imagine, being a kid and realizing your limitation, how the world crumbles even before you stack your bricks.

It is still clear jilted inside my mind , sitting down on my chair , eagerly praying to God, God… God…… let me be elected to be the class monitor .. and the class take pull and elected Ah Chong the Chinese guy in the class again. Well, I would assume that since he was always our class monitor since standard one. Oh okay maybe being the class monitor is too big for me God .. please please let me be the vice monitor instead.. anddddddddddd that too was a disappointment. It was not really for the POWER that im searching for but it was more the recognition which I am lacking since I was a kid. The recognition to be heard , the recognition to be at the moment.

So if you asked me , how I did it.. how this kid that was a nobody before, become somebody today. What I say and do matters .. I don’t know but I believe my different ness was the major factor behind it. I was always the one that thinks, dress , acts differently than all the guys in the class. Looking back, I realize that being different is not always bad. God creates us differently from one another, and for a special reason Being different in the eyes of the world means that you are one in a million of millions of people out there , but you have to embrace it, because only when you do, it will lead you to a more greater things in life. My life is just beginning but everyday when I woke up , I always thank god for the wonderful things he have endure upon me, and I strongly believe that he have bigger and greater planned.

A SONG I REMEMBERED SO DEARLY

im sure if u are born in the 60's or early 70's you would have heard this song over and over again played by ur mum. It doesn't really bring anything to me back then but after listening to it almost a quarter of a century i realize wow... this song does bring alot of meaning in my life..

so guyssssssss enjoy and thanks mum for everthing. To all the mums out there... u make a difference